Parenting Tips: Work on yourself to become the most effective parent

Parenting is the most challenging and rewarding thing you will ever do - I know, it sounds cliche, and I'm sure you've heard it a million times....but, it simply is so true.

"I've tried everything, and my child still won't listen!"

"I have to yell just to get through to them!"

If you've said these words—or even just thought them during a particularly challenging moment—you're not alone. Many parents reach a point of exhaustion where raising their voice feels like the only tool left in the toolbox.

But here's what I've learned: there is another way.

The Instinct to Change Them

When our children's behavior frustrates us, our first instinct is to focus on changing them. We think: if only they would listen better, behave better, cooperate more. We double down on consequences, raise our voices louder, or become stricter with our rules.

The uncomfortable truth? This approach rarely works for long.

The Power of Looking Inward

Real change begins when we shift our focus from our children to ourselves. This isn't about blaming yourself or carrying guilt—it's about recognizing that you hold the most powerful tool for transformation: your own growth.

The parent-child relationship is the single most important relationship in which a child develops (Siegel & Bryson, 2011). When we work on ourselves first, we create the connection our children need to thrive. Through this connection, we begin to see what they truly need from us, rather than simply reacting to what frustrates us.

A critical part of this journey is ensuring our own mental health. We cannot raise emotionally resilient children if we ourselves are struggling. This isn't a luxury....it's a necessity.

Questions Worth Asking

Self-reflection can feel daunting, but it's transformative. Consider these questions honestly:

About Your Reactions:

Do I go from calm to furious in seconds?

Do I yell, shame or blame when I'm frustrated?

About Your Accountability:

Do I blame others when things go wrong?

• Do I own my mistakes?

  Do I apologize to my child when I'm wrong?

About Your Connection:

Do I understand what triggers my child's difficult behavior?

Do I criticize more than I encourage?

Am I creating space for my child to succeed?

You're Not Alone in This

I've never met a perfect parent. Most of us carry unresolved challenges from our own upbringing—patterns we swore we'd never repeat, yet find ourselves falling into when stress runs high.

If you recognize yourself in any of these questions, don't be discouraged. Awareness is the first step toward change. Ask yourself: what triggers my strongest reactions, and why? What was happening in my own childhood when adults responded to me this way?

This work isn't easy, but you've already taken the most important step by being here, reading this, and caring enough to consider a different path.

Moving Forward

Start small. Choose one pattern to examine this week. Notice when you feel yourself escalating. Pause, breathe, and ask: "What do I need right now? What does my child need right now?"

The journey of becoming the parent you want to be is ongoing....for all of us. May you find grace for yourself as you walk this path, and may your efforts to grow bring deeper connection with your child.

Reference:
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind.

© 2024 MARION PEREZ. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.